February

I guess new year, new you and new blog.

I know it’s February and I maybe 31 days late but hey, Happy New Year!

I was planning to post somewhere in January but lots of things came up and lots lots of overthinking I must say. So as the time goes, here comes February.. But happy February.. Welcome February..

Lots has happen since last i wrote in previous blog. The blog still exist but i feel like i need a new fresh start.. like a new me.. something like that.. I hope everything goes well this year btw..

Anyhow, like i said, lot has happen.. start off a bit sad i must say. Nenek finally let out her last breath last November, exactly 25 Nov. She suffer so much that I pray Allah just take her. Seeing her in that state break my heart. It was hard to take. I have lots of memory with her. She was the one I wanna share about Joe with. I remember many times i just wanna tell her when we spend some time together. But I’m not sure what’s our relationship is. I don’t want to put a label on it when I’m the only one who felt it. So I kept quiet, I kept it to myself. Even I planned for nenek to meet Joe. Sort of asking approval. I want nenek to know Joe so much. I fantasised nenek will be there on my wedding day with Joe. But like I say, it just a daydream. Now nenek has left and so did Joe.

Things has going great at work. Alhamdulilah. Despite of having a hatred to this job and a feeling to wanna go away. I remain stay till now. Now dah naik pangkat sikit. I’m a team leader now. New year, new position, new responsibilities. I have my own team and I manage my team with guidance with my great boss. I admit it was hard and many times I feel like I wanna give up. Nak pulak now I had to work on weekends which was like super hard. Because weekend is me time and family time. But now feel like no life. But I keep being positive and seeing the sunny side of it. It wasn’t easy. But I’m learning how to manage everything. I could say that what I had now is a bless. Alhamdulilah. And I gotta admit that I don’t know when will I leave this company but I know one day. What I had is a kind of love-and-hate relationship with my job. I stayed because of the environment and the people I worked with excluding  other countries. Also, I need the money and it is a good way to distract myself, to keep me busy for thinking about Joe.

I planned to save up my money to buy a house. A condo to be precise. I wanted the free swimming pool and the free gym. Also, I want my own room and I want my care to be under shade instead of berjemur. Since the wedding is off and I no longer invest my time in planning and fantasies about venue, the dress, the theme, the food and who am I going to invite, my main focus is redecorates my own future house and the house I’m living now. Cuma susah sikit sebab sharing kan. But I do what I can. Pinterest is now like my porn. I spent numerous hour scrolling and saving the type of thing I want or interest too. I could say it is a bit of a good hobby. And I’m writing again which is super good.

I feel like Im losing myself last year. Like I don’t know who I really am. Like I could remember how happy I was before. But when I reminisced it, it was like i imagine someone else who look just like me but happier. I don’t remember the last time I was really happy, like I don’t need to fake a smile or forcing laugh. Everything was genuine. I told myself that last year was my healing but nothing was healing actually. I felt worse to be honest. You know when you know that it was not good for you, like you could destroy you, but then there is hope and faith that things will work out one day, things will be okay. I have hope. But I didn’t have good thinking and common sense that time. Funny how I am so good in advising people but damn terrible when it come to myself. 

I took like a few month to stay low, to be silent . I don’t go online so often. Even replying messages was a damn hard cardio to me. I don’t replying fast anymore. Most of the time, I just silent my phone and read it only. Seen but no reply. Even Tina and Erma started to wonder why but they all know I come around when I felt ready. After that whole accident last August, I finally ended things with Joe. I admit I do lots of thinking. And Joe’s action doesn’t help at all. But all has been decide. And I never look back since that day I said goodbye. He said something but I let it slide and I think he gets it. 

So I guess all is well.